Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I am not a perfect person. My name is not God. But, I consider myself someone who loves deeply and tries to live a life of joy in the midst of, sometimes, great heartache. Right now I am having a hard time.
I feel there are certain people I have an intuition about. Not many, a few handful of loved ones that I seem to always guess their true intentions even when they put up a wall or a mask. [Wow, I mentioned Masks. You would think I was a member of the Reap Team or something...] I sort of see right through the illusion because, well, I don't know why. It's a mystery.
I have a friend that I have known for many, many years that I have recently reconnected with. [And if he sees this blogpost, Lord have mercy on me and help me.] We spent some time together a few nights ago, and I got a better view into the life he is living. And, as he is someone I once called my best friend and whom I have fallen in and out of love with for the past 15 years or so, my soul was weeping for him.
"But if you will not hear this, my soul shall weep in secret for your pride: weeping it shall weep, and my eyes shall run down the tears, because the flock of the Lord is carried away captive."
I questioned him gently, and he told me his lifestyle made him happy, that this was just how he rolled now. He couldn't get through 2 minutes without referring to himself with derogatory terms like: freak, whore, etc. He called himself a bad person. Even when I reminded him he was a good person, he immediately dismissed my comments. Even though I was smiling and flirting during our time together because I love him dearly, my soul was weeping. My heart was breaking. I was sad for him. I wanted to say something a little more direct. But I was afraid, and I kissed him in the doorway and walked away.
My fear of rejection gets in the way all too often.
Holy Spirit, stir in my soul.
It would be easy to just walk away and not look back to this situation. But, I'm having one of those moments that I'm feeling God tug on my soul. It feels similar to when I was first in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ultimately led me to converting to Catholicism or when I was tugged by the Spirit to teach PSR this fall. It's constantly on my heart, and I need to do something. But what?
Do I continue to be his friend and preach by example?
Do I confront him?
Do I stay away and just pray for him?
Do I ask others to pray for him (already doing this, btw)?
Do I invite him to spend MORE time with me to do fun things outside of his norm, even if it is super difficult for me?
I need to pray.