Restless

When I have something weighing on my heart or mind, I find driving helpful.  In the past 24 hours, I have driven over 400 miles and haven't really gone anywhere.  While in the car, I typically start by having a dialogue with myself or having a mock conversation with the person who is on my mind.  This may seem silly, but it helps.  Then, I usually find a song that "speaks" to me in that moment and blast it on repeat in my car.  Today, it was this song.



I had never seen the video until just now while I was writing this post, and it reminds me that nothing surprises God.  There are no coincidences.  And, some of the images in the video kinda feel like me.

There is one person in my life that I have so much to tell, and I have no idea how to do it.  While speeding through the farmland and curvy highways, I had a conversation with this person a hundred different ways in a hundred different situations.  Yet, I am still fearful.

There is a huge risk I want to take, yet I'm afraid of undesirable consequences.  I'm afraid of my heart being broken, and I don't know if I can go through that again.

When you watch this music video, you see signs labeled "regrets only" and "rejected."  I'm afraid if I don't say something, I will be that regret sign.  But if I do say something, I could be that rejected sign.  I think the regret would be worse than the rejected.  I just need to figure out how to have a hard conversation.  Possibly, a life changing conversation.

<3 

2012 Goals

I gave up doing New Year Resolutions a while ago and traded them in for an opportunity to set goals.  Maybe it's because I work in education and addressing goals is part of my daily life.  But I do know that my good friend at My Purple Brick Road posted her 2012 goals for the world to see, so I thought I would be brave and do the same thing.  So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

1.  Eat at home.     This is mainly for health and budget issues.  I eat out way too much!

2.  Save more money.     See number 1.  Plus, my student loans are coming due this summer, and it's not pretty folks.

3.  Pay off credit card debt.     It's not much, but it needs to go away.

4.  Take and pass the Praxis Exam.

5.  Work Summer School 2012.  See number 2 and 3.

6.  Go on a date.   It's been too long.     Done!

7.  Build a better relationship with people who annoy me at work.

8.  Read the Bible.

9.  Increase my home preparedness.  This includes several things...

10.  Stop drinking soda regularly.   I'm pretty much addicted to sugar.

11.  Downsize, declutter, and donate.

12.  Watch less mainstream television.

13.  Laugh, pray, and be grateful everyday.

14.  Be more reliable.  Be the person everyone is happy to see everyday.

15.  Be joyful - make it contagious.

16.  Buy seeds early for crops.   MET already!

17.  Get serious about the garden and harvesting.   I tend to get lazy with my gardening.

18.  Learn to save seeds and save seeds for next year.   I have a book.

19.  Create a better food storage rotation system.    Exciting, I know.

20.  Be my best at work, even if it is difficult and some things are out of my control.

21.  Journal/blog more.

22.  Get taxes done early.   Meaning, don't wait until 3 seconds before it's due.  Done!

23.  Hang artwork on the walls at home.  Yes, I have lived here for 3 years and still have many a bare wall.

Plus, I have a few that are more personal and I'd like to keep off of the interwebs.  What are your 2012 goals?

So Long, Farewell...

The year 2011 has definitely had it's ups and downs.  I sit here on the first day of 2012 reflecting on the things that have happened, good and bad, and wonder about starting anew. 

Why is it that people wait until the end of a year to start things anew?  This has always bothered me.  Every day is an opportunity to reevaluate yourself, goals, attitudes, and start over.

God provides this opportunity every day through Sacraments, love, forgiveness, and the whole reason Jesus died on the cross for us and our sins.

So, for 2012, I will try to remember to wake up every morning remembering the new opportunities for a new beginning daily.

My Heart is a Stable

When I think of Advent, I think of Vienna, Austria, in 1998.  My family and I traveled with our church choir for an Advent singing trip (BC - before I was Catholic).

Above you can see the family in Vienna (I have the dumb hat on) standing in front of a giant advent wreath!  The spirit of Christmas was alive and well in Vienna.  The windows of the city hall were each a door of an advent calendar, and were changed to reflect changes each day.  Lights, garland, carolers, musicians, and Christmas markets flooded the streets at Stephansplatz and beyond.  To me, it was sort of a fairytale memory.  Outdoor markets lit by Christmas lights, freezing cold but loving every moment, strolling musicians, drinking hot spiced wine out of mugs as we walked along, the hustle and bustle...all to the backdrop of St. Stephan's Cathedral.

As a non-Catholic who didn't know, at the time, she would be seeing Pope JPII two months from this day and be in RCIA in less from a year from this time, I appreciated the beauty and sacredness of this site immediately.  I was in awe.  The original church was built in 1147, and the idea that people have been worshipping in this spot for so many years touched my heart.  And, the music nerd in me totally geeked out since Mozart was married here and his funeral was here.  Nerd alert.

Austria did an amazing job of reminding everyone to prepare.

What does that mean, exactly?  There were visible signs, reminders, that God was coming.  When I think of Advent, I think of this preparation.  Signs were all around me, reminding me the purpose for the season.  I wish there were more signs around St. Louis like this, but there are more important ways to prepare as well.

Last week, I did a mini-bible study with my 6th grade PSR students (they are great!).  We looked up verses regarding advent and the coming of Christ.  What can you do to prepare?  Our class found that prayer, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and the idea that it is better to give than to receive are key concepts.  I also found this site about Catholic Traditions interesting, and I learned a few new things!

As we prepare our hearts, O come Emmanuel and use my heart as your manger.

My Heart is a Stable {Song}

Get the Skinny

I don't know about most women, but I go through phases of not caring about looking my best or having the trendy clothes and actually wanting to dress up.  Right now, I'm coming out of a phase of not really caring and wanting to wear dresses and boots.

In the past 10 years, I've put on some weight, and I am sometimes self-conscious about how I look.  So, when I ordered a new pair of knee-high boots the other week, I also realized that my baggy flare and bootcut jeans were not going to cut it for optimal cuteness.  But skinny jeans?  Really?  Surely I won't look good in something labeled "skinny" that will cling to my body.

Well, I was wrong.

I bought two different pair of skinny jeans, one with a little more stretch than the other, and I love them both!  They are not skin tight showing all my goodies, but they are not baggy (and they will fit inside my boots and work with legwarmers!).  Yes, I also bought leg warmers.  No, it is not 1984. 

I think I got used to hiding behind clothes that mask my true figure when I don't fit inside the box that society thinks is beautiful.  I feel my curves are beautiful, and I'm glad I stepped outside the box and tried wearing something that I thought I couldn't pull off because I wasn't stick thin.  Yay.

So, I'm ready to step out in my skinny jeans, leg warmers and boots!  Who knows, I might even get a haircut and wear makeup.  {GASP!}

Calm, Cool, & Collected

This weekend I was thrown into a conflict that I wasn't expecting, and it took all of my strength to stay level-headed and not scream.

You may know that I create one of a kind rosaries and religious jewelry.  You may also know I sell these items at local craft shows and on Etsy.

Well, I had my first customer complaint this week on Etsy.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  I'm not afraid of negative feedback...things happen.  The situation was a bit weird to begin with, so it shouldn't have surprised me that it quickly escalated.   

First, my storefront clearly states my business hours are Saturday only.  Yes, inconvenient for some, but I have to limit it for my own sanity due to other responsibilities.  It is my business, after all.  So, after a conversation last Saturday via messaging with my customer, I was shocked to find she had sent me about 20 messages during the week, virtually screaming at me about not responding to her emails.  She often sent me hourly messages.  Not normal.

Then, the package I sent was returned to me saying the address was undeliverable.  Okay, weird, but maybe I wrote the address incorrectly.  Nope, it was correct.

At this point, I feel like something fishy is going on.  The customer is basically harassing me via Etsy messaging, actually it was more like cyber bullying, and accusing me of lying - saying I never mailed the package.  Okay.........

I get all these messages yesterday (Saturday, during business hours) and try to respond to her requests.  I had the merchandise returned, so I said I would gladly refund her money.  I did that within an hour of receiving her emails.  Problem solved, right?  Nope.

Up to this point, I've been annoyed and felt a little harassed, but I kept it professional, just stating the facts and being polite...with a lot of prayer.

THEN, the customer continues to send me emails (in all caps, which is one of my pet peeves!!!) stating she is going to report me to the better business bureau and attorney general's office in EVERY state in the country and report me for internet fraud.  What?

Her emails on Saturday were coming every 10 minutes or so with repetitive, threatening language.  She noticed that I left her negative feedback on the etsy site (duh), and threatened me again.  I stated the truth, that is all I could do.

I remained professional and stated the facts, even though there were definite times that I wanted to type "psycho" in the subject line of my next message to her.  I have stopped correspondence, as there is nothing else I can do for this person.  There is just something "not right" with this situation.

This situation really upset me.  No one likes being called a liar, but threatening me over the internet is not something I've really dealt with before, thank goodness!  So, how did I get through this?  First, I used my perceptive therapy super powers to recognize this was not a normal response to online business correspondence.  I couldn't even imagine myself acting the way this customer was acting.  Next, I knew that if I added anything snarky or negative to my conversations with her, it would just be fuel for her fire.  I told myself to suck it up and lift it up.  I took a deep breath, said many small prayers, and just ate it.  Sometimes, you have to just let things go to keep yourself safe and sane.  Also, I don't know what this person is capable of!  I would prefer it if unstable people were not upset with me.

I suppose I could use the chaplet she attempted to purchase to pray for her.  Sigh.  St. Joan of Arc, pray for us!

Minus the Meat

When I do my weekly meal planning, I try to have at least one meal each week without meat.  Why?  To be a little frugal.  But, I'm considering changing it to a "meatless Friday" situation instead of a random day each week.  You are probably asking yourself, again, "WHY?!!"  "Don't you like meat?"  Yes, I like meat, crazy.

But, did you know that the Catholic Church still recommends that the faithful abstain from meat on all Fridays throughout the year?  That's right.  Every Friday.

Most people stopped this practice after the Second Vatican Council in the 1960's.  At that point, the Church no longer "required" the faithful to practice this, but it is still "recommended."  Semantics issue, anyone?  The church "recommends" that if you don't abstain from meat on Fridays, you should still do some other form of penance.  Yep.

Personally, eating a cheese pizza on a Friday doesn't always seem like a form of "penance."  But, if I'm craving a ginormous chunk of loafy meat, then I'm in sacrifice city.  For me, I think the purpose in resurrecting this practice is for me to think about Jesus and His sacrifice a little more throughout the week, even if it is just on days I meal plan and Fridays.

I challenge you to think of a penance to do on Fridays.  It can only bring about more good in your life!