Amazing Love

I've mentioned before that many times God kicks me in the head, so to speak, about what I am supposed to be doing and focusing on.  Are they usually easy things?  Ummm, absolutely not.  These things have consequences including dealing with upset family, losing friends, canceling a wedding, being threatened, mocked, and other craptastic things.

And now?  Randomly (random in my mind, not to God of course) reconnecting my friend and I after about a 5 year absence of contact.  Realizing this friend is enslaved to some major sin, and now God prompting me to do something about it.

Tonight, a series of events took place that blew my mind.

First, I am prompted to teach PSR at Cletus this year.  I am beginning to become friends with one of the teachers.  Said teacher randomly invites me to XLT tonight at Cletus.  The talk at Cletus was like God crafted the information to speak directly to my heart about my friend.  Because of said talk and Eucharistic Adoration, I am renewed and strengthened to pray and talk to my friend.

Amazing Love.  Poured out for me and all.  God's love has no boundaries, and I am to share that love with my friend, even if I am mocked, persecuted, or whatever.

I think one of the hardest things is that I don't know what God's Will is in all of this.  I could pray until the cows come home, and perhaps I won't see any change in him.  All I know is that this will change me and carve my heart a little closer to God.

Pray for me.  Pray for my friend.  Pray that God's Will be done.

True Friendship

I am not a perfect person.  My name is not God.  But, I consider myself someone who loves deeply and tries to live a life of joy in the midst of, sometimes, great heartache.  Right now I am having a hard time.

I feel there are certain people I have an intuition about.  Not many, a few handful of loved ones that I seem to always guess their true intentions even when they put up a wall or a mask.  [Wow, I mentioned Masks.  You would think I was a member of the Reap Team or something...]  I sort of see right through the illusion because, well, I don't know why.  It's a mystery.

I have a friend that I have known for many, many years that I have recently reconnected with.  [And if he sees this blogpost, Lord have mercy on me and help me.]  We spent some time together a few nights ago, and I got a better view into the life he is living.  And, as he is someone I once called my best friend and whom I have fallen in and out of love with for the past 15 years or so, my soul was weeping for him.

Jeremiah 13:17

"But if you will not hear this, my soul shall weep in secret for your pride: weeping it shall weep, and my eyes shall run down the tears, because the flock of the Lord is carried away captive."

I questioned him gently, and he told me his lifestyle made him happy, that this was just how he rolled now.  He couldn't get through 2 minutes without referring to himself with derogatory terms like: freak, whore, etc.  He called himself a bad person.  Even when I reminded him he was a good person, he immediately dismissed my comments.  Even though I was smiling and flirting during our time together because I love him dearly, my soul was weeping.  My heart was breaking.  I was sad for him.  I wanted to say something a little more direct.  But I was afraid, and I kissed him in the doorway and walked away.

My fear of rejection gets in the way all too often. 

Holy Spirit, stir in my soul.

It would be easy to just walk away and not look back to this situation.  But, I'm having one of those moments that I'm feeling God tug on my soul.  It feels similar to when I was first in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ultimately led me to converting to Catholicism or when I was tugged by the Spirit to teach PSR this fall.  It's constantly on my heart, and I need to do something.  But what?

Do I continue to be his friend and preach by example?

Do I confront him?

Do I stay away and just pray for him?

Do I ask others to pray for him (already doing this, btw)?

Do I invite him to spend MORE time with me to do fun things outside of his norm, even if it is super difficult for me?

I need to pray.

Restless

When I have something weighing on my heart or mind, I find driving helpful.  In the past 24 hours, I have driven over 400 miles and haven't really gone anywhere.  While in the car, I typically start by having a dialogue with myself or having a mock conversation with the person who is on my mind.  This may seem silly, but it helps.  Then, I usually find a song that "speaks" to me in that moment and blast it on repeat in my car.  Today, it was this song.



I had never seen the video until just now while I was writing this post, and it reminds me that nothing surprises God.  There are no coincidences.  And, some of the images in the video kinda feel like me.

There is one person in my life that I have so much to tell, and I have no idea how to do it.  While speeding through the farmland and curvy highways, I had a conversation with this person a hundred different ways in a hundred different situations.  Yet, I am still fearful.

There is a huge risk I want to take, yet I'm afraid of undesirable consequences.  I'm afraid of my heart being broken, and I don't know if I can go through that again.

When you watch this music video, you see signs labeled "regrets only" and "rejected."  I'm afraid if I don't say something, I will be that regret sign.  But if I do say something, I could be that rejected sign.  I think the regret would be worse than the rejected.  I just need to figure out how to have a hard conversation.  Possibly, a life changing conversation.

<3 

2012 Goals

I gave up doing New Year Resolutions a while ago and traded them in for an opportunity to set goals.  Maybe it's because I work in education and addressing goals is part of my daily life.  But I do know that my good friend at My Purple Brick Road posted her 2012 goals for the world to see, so I thought I would be brave and do the same thing.  So, without further ado, here are some of my goals:

1.  Eat at home.     This is mainly for health and budget issues.  I eat out way too much!

2.  Save more money.     See number 1.  Plus, my student loans are coming due this summer, and it's not pretty folks.

3.  Pay off credit card debt.     It's not much, but it needs to go away.

4.  Take and pass the Praxis Exam.

5.  Work Summer School 2012.  See number 2 and 3.

6.  Go on a date.   It's been too long.     Done!

7.  Build a better relationship with people who annoy me at work.

8.  Read the Bible.

9.  Increase my home preparedness.  This includes several things...

10.  Stop drinking soda regularly.   I'm pretty much addicted to sugar.

11.  Downsize, declutter, and donate.

12.  Watch less mainstream television.

13.  Laugh, pray, and be grateful everyday.

14.  Be more reliable.  Be the person everyone is happy to see everyday.

15.  Be joyful - make it contagious.

16.  Buy seeds early for crops.   MET already!

17.  Get serious about the garden and harvesting.   I tend to get lazy with my gardening.

18.  Learn to save seeds and save seeds for next year.   I have a book.

19.  Create a better food storage rotation system.    Exciting, I know.

20.  Be my best at work, even if it is difficult and some things are out of my control.

21.  Journal/blog more.

22.  Get taxes done early.   Meaning, don't wait until 3 seconds before it's due.  Done!

23.  Hang artwork on the walls at home.  Yes, I have lived here for 3 years and still have many a bare wall.

Plus, I have a few that are more personal and I'd like to keep off of the interwebs.  What are your 2012 goals?

So Long, Farewell...

The year 2011 has definitely had it's ups and downs.  I sit here on the first day of 2012 reflecting on the things that have happened, good and bad, and wonder about starting anew. 

Why is it that people wait until the end of a year to start things anew?  This has always bothered me.  Every day is an opportunity to reevaluate yourself, goals, attitudes, and start over.

God provides this opportunity every day through Sacraments, love, forgiveness, and the whole reason Jesus died on the cross for us and our sins.

So, for 2012, I will try to remember to wake up every morning remembering the new opportunities for a new beginning daily.

My Heart is a Stable

When I think of Advent, I think of Vienna, Austria, in 1998.  My family and I traveled with our church choir for an Advent singing trip (BC - before I was Catholic).

Above you can see the family in Vienna (I have the dumb hat on) standing in front of a giant advent wreath!  The spirit of Christmas was alive and well in Vienna.  The windows of the city hall were each a door of an advent calendar, and were changed to reflect changes each day.  Lights, garland, carolers, musicians, and Christmas markets flooded the streets at Stephansplatz and beyond.  To me, it was sort of a fairytale memory.  Outdoor markets lit by Christmas lights, freezing cold but loving every moment, strolling musicians, drinking hot spiced wine out of mugs as we walked along, the hustle and bustle...all to the backdrop of St. Stephan's Cathedral.

As a non-Catholic who didn't know, at the time, she would be seeing Pope JPII two months from this day and be in RCIA in less from a year from this time, I appreciated the beauty and sacredness of this site immediately.  I was in awe.  The original church was built in 1147, and the idea that people have been worshipping in this spot for so many years touched my heart.  And, the music nerd in me totally geeked out since Mozart was married here and his funeral was here.  Nerd alert.

Austria did an amazing job of reminding everyone to prepare.

What does that mean, exactly?  There were visible signs, reminders, that God was coming.  When I think of Advent, I think of this preparation.  Signs were all around me, reminding me the purpose for the season.  I wish there were more signs around St. Louis like this, but there are more important ways to prepare as well.

Last week, I did a mini-bible study with my 6th grade PSR students (they are great!).  We looked up verses regarding advent and the coming of Christ.  What can you do to prepare?  Our class found that prayer, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and the idea that it is better to give than to receive are key concepts.  I also found this site about Catholic Traditions interesting, and I learned a few new things!

As we prepare our hearts, O come Emmanuel and use my heart as your manger.

My Heart is a Stable {Song}

Get the Skinny

I don't know about most women, but I go through phases of not caring about looking my best or having the trendy clothes and actually wanting to dress up.  Right now, I'm coming out of a phase of not really caring and wanting to wear dresses and boots.

In the past 10 years, I've put on some weight, and I am sometimes self-conscious about how I look.  So, when I ordered a new pair of knee-high boots the other week, I also realized that my baggy flare and bootcut jeans were not going to cut it for optimal cuteness.  But skinny jeans?  Really?  Surely I won't look good in something labeled "skinny" that will cling to my body.

Well, I was wrong.

I bought two different pair of skinny jeans, one with a little more stretch than the other, and I love them both!  They are not skin tight showing all my goodies, but they are not baggy (and they will fit inside my boots and work with legwarmers!).  Yes, I also bought leg warmers.  No, it is not 1984. 

I think I got used to hiding behind clothes that mask my true figure when I don't fit inside the box that society thinks is beautiful.  I feel my curves are beautiful, and I'm glad I stepped outside the box and tried wearing something that I thought I couldn't pull off because I wasn't stick thin.  Yay.

So, I'm ready to step out in my skinny jeans, leg warmers and boots!  Who knows, I might even get a haircut and wear makeup.  {GASP!}