Moats and Castle Walls

I'm going to share a little of my crazy with you.

Oh, you know we ALL have a little bit of crazy in each of us.  If you deny this fact then you are even crazier than I am.

I have TOO MANY CLOTHES.

Until now, I don't think I ever realized how many clothes I actually own.  For years, I would buy pretty clothes that went straight into storage.  I know, crazy, right?  (I warned you.)  You see, when my engagement was broken a little over nine and a half years ago, I was in a bad place.  Depressed, irrational, hurt, broken, sad...all of these things.  But most of all, I was fearful of being hurt that badly again.

I like fashion.  I like dressing up like a girly girl.  If you have known me in the past 10 years, you would probably not have guessed that in eleventy billion years.  Yet, in those years (yes, years) of darkness in my life, I was so afraid that I hid myself.  I wore the most dumpy, least attractive clothing possible.  I would not wear make up or even cut my hair for months.  Oh, but I still bought super cute clothes and lip gloss in a rainbow of colors.  They just went straight into boxes and storage.  I would look at them once in a while, but I didn't dare wear anything so flashy out and about.  It might attract someone whom I would fall in love with and allow them to break my heart once again.  I really think being okay with my weight gain and frumpy, drab attire was like a castle wall around my heart.  If anything, it was a purposeful barrier that I created to protect myself.

Only now, years later, have I finally opened up every single box of storage clothes and I am going through every piece of clothing I own.  Yes, I have cute skirts that I bought 7 years ago that still have the tags on them.  Some fit, some don't.  Some are still classic and in style, some really are not!  The point is that the barrier is down.  The castle wall has been breached.  My body is not perfect, but I am enjoying dressing cute, girly, sexy, and professional pretty frequently.  I am getting noticed.  I am getting compliments at work and beyond.  And what am I saying to this attention?  I'm trying my darnedest to take the compliments in stride and saying:  Thank you.

But I seriously need another closet or something.

And, if my personal appearance was my castle wall, my home is my castle moat.

I did mention crazy, right?  Right.

I moved to my first apartment (after my internship in Ohio...I don't count 2 months in an apartment a home) after the dark period in my life began.  I have never kept a neat home.  My home is my moat, an extra level of protection from getting hurt.  I know this sounds insane, but hang in there.

I purposely left my house a mess so that I felt I couldn't invite anyone over.  If no one came over, then I couldn't make memories with them in my private, sacred, homey space.  Extra things started to pile up, and lo and behold, at times my home looked like an episode of hoarders (I mean, think about the clothes alone!).  I hated it, but I would get overwhelmed and couldn't get past it.  Well, my moat is draining.  I think the fact that it totally annoys me and I spend my free time trying to get it all together and looking amazing again is a big step.  An even bigger step is allowing my current boyfriend to come over...in the midst of the organizing and change.  It completely worries me that he has seen my crazy.  He sits with me in the living room and looks directly at it (one should really shield their eyes from such things, like the Ark in Raiders).  Yet, he still calls me and comes over.  I really don't get it, but it makes me feel more normal than insane.  Yay for sanity.

Personally, I think these things are true for more people than I think.  However, I feel blessed to have the insight to recognize what the heck is going on in my heart and brain and move past it.  Praise God for having this insight and contemplative nature!  Whoever shares with me in my life at this point is in for a real treat.  I'm striving everyday to be a better person than the previous day - and it seems to be working.  It just gets more awesome from here...

Well, I'm back to going through piles and piles of clothes.

What does your crazy look like?

Making Time

If any of my friends are reading this and get upset that I'm always so busy, please smack me in the face once in a while.  Yes, I try to do too much.  We all know that!  But there is so much more to life than work and school, and I need to carve out more time for play and life instead of work and study.  I guess this fact kinda kicked me in the head today when I was chatting with my love interest.  He's also a teacher, and he said that he's going to get really busy really soon with paper grading and such.  I'm trying to decide if that is a slight and a hint to back off or if he is just really busy.  I probably would have said the same thing, well, 2 months ago.  So, with him I'm trying to find the balance.  I may be ready, but that only hit me yesterday!  I don't want life to pass me by anymore.  I'm going to try to do as much work as possible during work hours, and keep home stuff for home.


This concept only becomes more difficult and complicated, however.  Today I assessed another student who will qualify for services on my caseload.  This beautiful child who requires my service will put my number of buildings at twenty.  I used to joke that I would soon be working in twenty buildings, but now that it is the truth and upon me next week it's not so funny anymore.  I'm not laughing.  I love my Dad to pieces, but I don't want to be that person that works at home all the time.  I don't want to always have the laptop with me writing reports while watching American Idol on the television.  I don't want to cancel plans because I have reports to write after work hours.  And from what my boss told me today, I think it's going to get mighty worse this year before it gets better.


So what do I do in the meantime?


Pray.  Pray alot!  Set limits, boundaries, and know that although I am a wondrous woman, I am NOT wonder woman!  [Okay, we both have an awesome rack - it's true!  lol].  It's okay to ask for help.  Who I am and what my purpose is in life extends far past my job and education.  In fact, I am starting to believe my job and education are a far second to what I really feel called to do - a wife, a friend, possibly a mom.  Ahhh, priorities!  I'd really just like a husband to serve and share life with.  If I make *that* my priority, I would feel like my calling would be fulfilled.  Maybe I should put that on my online profile...


So, as I'm looking at my Christmas tree still up and half decorated and thinking about my schedule of seven sessions, 10 students, and 6 buildings tomorrow, I'm not bothered.  I know I will get through tomorrow.  All that stuff will fall into place.  I'm intelligent, positive, and crafty.


I just wish I was coming home from it all to a sweetheart of my own.


Jesus, I trust in you!  <3