Vocation

I have been very private about my vocational discernment the last several years.  Even my closest friends do not know the inner dialogue of my heart.  Only my Lord knows the give and take when it comes to this.  So believe me when this post is "kinda a big deal..."

Before I was Catholic, I thought vocation meant finding a career.  However, within the Church, vocation has an entirely different meaning.  When you are Catholic, discerning your vocation means you are considering God's will and intent for your life.  There are definite choices:

*Religious Life (Men's or Women's religious communities - sisters, brothers, nuns, monks...)
*Priesthood
*Married Life
*Singlehood

I remember the first time someone asked me the "vocation" question.  It was in 1998, not long after I went to my first Mass (see my conversion story tab).  I was at my boyfriend's mom's after funeral gathering at the family house (his mom died of cancer about 6 weeks after we started dating).  There was a priest in the basement.  I had never really spoken or interacted with a priest before.  He asked me my name and then immediately asked me, "Hey!  Have you ever thought about becoming a nun?"  That moment was awkward, at best.  It was more shocking, to be honest.  In all my life, no one had ever just so bluntly asked me such a question.  My answer?  "I'm not Catholic."  His response?  "Well, have you thought about becoming Catholic?"  My answer?  A shy smile and nervous laughter.  I would later learn that not only was this priest a close family friend of my boyfriend's family, but also the St. Louis Archdiocese Director of Vocations.  So, his questions made more sense in context, but that conversation stuck with me.  I mean, I *did* become Catholic two years after that conversation.  Was the other part to come true as well?

I never really questioned my vocation until my engagement was broken.  But then again, when I became Catholic, I was with my boyfriend of two years.  In the midst of heartache and pain, I wondered the big question of "why."  I would go back and forth for years, questioning where I belonged, and often longing to hide myself in the concealment of a religious cloister so I would no longer have to worry about someone breaking my fragile heart.  I would pray for God to give me the discipline necessary for such a life, but nothing really changed.  I also knew I was looking at a religious vocation as a way to run away from my hurt - not really the best idea.  Ever.

I tried for years to live in my own cloister, in a way.  My bestie commented that I would keep myself busy with extra duties so I didn't have "time" to date or find a husband.  This is very true.  I would make excuses why I wasn't compatible with certain men.  I wasn't feeling a spark with anyone, and so I continued to question my vocation.

In the past two years, I gave up on the possibility of a religious vocation.  I figured it would have happened by now if it was going to happen.  Of course, I thought the same thing about married life.  I'm currently 33 for goodness sake.  This was not my plan.  So, I started to consider the possibility that I would be one of those women who would be single for the rest of their life.  But surely this was not God's plan for me, I would pray!  The thought of singlehood for the rest of my life brings sadness to my heart.  And, I remembered a moment that I had shut out of my mind years ago...

Years ago, when I was still with my boyfriend mentioned above, I babysat for a good friend, Kathie, several times a week.  Most of the babysitting time was when her daughter was 4-8 months old.  Madeline was one of the sweetest, cutest babies I had ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I remember babysitting her one day, and I was laying on the couch and she was crawling on top of me.  She rested on my chest and fell asleep on me.  This angel, sleeping on my heart, brought me to tears.  In that moment, I knew I was meant to be a mother, a wife, a minister of the family.  Thinking about it now I still get choked up.

But I shut that image out.  The thought that it might not happen for me clawed at my heart.

But, a few months ago when I remembered that image while I was talking with a friend, I began to hope again.  I began to trust again.  And, I became more aware of every opportunity God placed in front of me.

I am hopeful again that my person will find me, or has already found/met me.  I honestly don't know at this moment in time.  What I do know is that I pray for my future spouse every single day.  I have for years.  I must admit that whoever that lucky future spouse is, he has years of prayer backing him up in our future endeavors.  I must trust in that!  It may not be easy, but it will be full of prayer, thanksgiving, and hope.

Jer 29:11

Ready. Set. Shine.

Finally.

After much heartache, loss, pain, and other nasty stuff that mucked up my heart for the longest time I feel like I am finally ready to open myself up for someone else to love again. Wow, that was kinda hard to say!

I think I have been fooling myself for years, thinking that I was ready when I really wasn't. I always try to take care of others and love others with all of my being and soul, but today I finally asked myself the question: what about me? What if there are people out there trying to love me and take care of me the way I want to love and take care of others, but I'm keeping my guard up? Love is a two way road. In order to fully love in this world, I need to allow others to love me, to see the vulnerable side of me.

This all hit me like a brick in the face when I came upon this amazing quote today:

"Where there is no love, put love -- and you will find love." ~St. John of the Cross

I've been pouring over those words of the great saint all day. I try and give so much love every day to everyone else when in my heart of hearts all I want is to find someone to love me. And yet, this quote kept telling me to spend a little more time each day loving and taking care of myself in order to have someone else love me also. I had never thought of it quite in that way before.

After this small revelation today, I found myself feeling more feminine, wanting to go through my jewelry box and see what was missing, styling my hair in new ways and thinking of myself in a new and improved light.

I feel renewed and re-energized as a woman. It's so strange. For so long, I just wanted to hide myself...do my loving deeds without anyone watching, hoping to not get noticed out of fear of pain and loss like in the past. But now I know I'm supposed to *shine*.

And then I remembered something from eleven years ago. Wow, I really can't believe it has been that long! Before I was Catholic, I went to the youth rally at the Kiel Center in St. Louis when Pope John Paul II was in town for a pastoral visit. I remember this speech so clearly, and I remember crying tears of hope. Please read...


"You are the light of the world. . . Your light must shine before all"
(Mt 5:14.16).


Dear Young People,

Ask yourselves: Do I believe these words of Jesus in the Gospel? Jesus is calling you the light of the world. He is asking you to let your light shine before others. I know that in your hearts you want to say: "Here I am, Lord. Here I am. I come to do your will" (Responsorial Psalm; cf. Heb 10:7). But only if you are one with Jesus can you share his light and be a light to the world.

Are you ready for this?

Sadly, too many people today are living apart from the light in a world of illusions, a world of fleeting shadows and promises unfulfilled. If you look to Jesus, if you live the Truth that is Jesus, you will have in you the light that reveals the truths and values on which to build your own happiness, while building a world of justice, peace and solidarity. Remember what Jesus said: "I am the light of the world; those who follow me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (cf. Jn 8:12).

Because Jesus is the Light, we too become light when we proclaim him. This is the heart of the Christian mission to which each of you has been called through Baptism and Confirmation. You are called to make the light of Christ shine brightly in the world.

When you were little, were you sometimes afraid of the dark? Today you are no longer children afraid of the dark. You are teenagers and young adults. But already you realize that there is another kind of darkness in the world: the darkness of doubt and uncertainty. You may feel the darkness of loneliness and isolation. Your anxieties may come from questions about your future, or regrets about past choices.

Sometimes the world itself seems filled with darkness. The darkness of children who go hungry and even die. The darkness of homeless people who lack work and proper medical care. The darkness of violence: violence against the unborn child, violence in families, the violence of gangs, the violence of sexual abuse, the violence of drugs that destroy the body, mind and heart. There is something terribly wrong when so many young people are overcome by hopelessness to the point of taking their own lives. And already in parts of this nation, laws have been passed which allow doctors to end the lives of the very people they are sworn to help. God's gift of life is being rejected. Death is chosen over life, and this brings with it the darkness of despair.

But you believe in the light (cf. Jn 12:36)! Do not listen to those who encourage you to lie, to shirk responsibility, to put yourselves first. Do not listen to those who tell you that chastity is passé. In your hearts you know that true love is a gift from God and respects his plan for the union of man and woman in marriage. Do not be taken in by false values and deceptive slogans, especially about your freedom. True freedom is a wonderful gift from God, and it has been a cherished part of your country's history. But when freedom is separated from truth, individuals lose their moral direction and the very fabric of society begins to unravel.

Freedom is not the ability to do anything we want, whenever we want. Rather, freedom is the ability to live responsibly the truth of our relationship with God and with one another. Remember what Jesus said: "you will know the truth and the truth will set you free" (Jn 8:32). Let no one mislead you or prevent you from seeing what really matters. Turn to Jesus, listen to him, and discover the true meaning and direction of your lives.

You are children of the light (cf. Jn 12:36)! You belong to Christ, and he has called you by name. Your first responsibility is to get to know as much as you can about him, in your parishes, in religious instruction in your high schools and colleges, in your youth groups and Newman Centers.

But you will get to know him truly and personally only through prayer. What is needed is that you talk to him, and listen to him.

Today we are living in an age of instant communications. But do you realize what a unique form of communication prayer is? Prayer enables us to meet God at the most profound level of our being. It connects us directly to God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in a constant exchange of love.

Through prayer you will learn to become the light of the world, because in prayer you become one with the source of our true light, Jesus himself.

Each of you has a special mission in life, and you are each called to be a disciple of Christ. Many of you will serve God in the vocation of Christian married life; some of you will serve him as dedicated single persons; some as priests and religious. But all of you must be the light of the world. To those of you who think that Christ may be inviting you to follow him in the priesthood or the consecrated life I make this personal appeal: I ask you to open your hearts generously to him; do not delay your response. The Lord will help you to know his will; he will help you to follow your vocation courageously.

Young friends, in the days and weeks and years ahead, for as long as you remember this evening, remember that the Pope came to the United States, to the City of St. Louis, to call the young people of America to Christ, to invite you to follow him. He came to challenge you to be the light of the world! "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not overcome it" (Jn 1:5). Jesus who has conquered sin and death reminds you: "I am with you always" (Mt 28:20). He says: "Courage! It is I; have no fear" (Mk 6:50).

On the horizon of this city stands the Gateway Arch, which often catches the sunlight in its different colors and hues. In a similar way, in a thousand different ways, you must reflect the light of Christ through your lives of prayer and joyful service of others. With the help of Mary, the Mother of Jesus, the young people of America will do this magnificently!

Remember: Christ is calling you; the Church needs you; the Pope believes in you and he expects great things of you!

Praised be Jesus Christ!


So I'm ready. Ready. Set. Go. I'm ready to shine and let someone love me like never before. Now, if someone would just appear and be wonderful, that would be fantastic! But I must stay hopeful and consider what is in the works down the road.

Jesus, I trust in you!