True Friendship

I am not a perfect person.  My name is not God.  But, I consider myself someone who loves deeply and tries to live a life of joy in the midst of, sometimes, great heartache.  Right now I am having a hard time.

I feel there are certain people I have an intuition about.  Not many, a few handful of loved ones that I seem to always guess their true intentions even when they put up a wall or a mask.  [Wow, I mentioned Masks.  You would think I was a member of the Reap Team or something...]  I sort of see right through the illusion because, well, I don't know why.  It's a mystery.

I have a friend that I have known for many, many years that I have recently reconnected with.  [And if he sees this blogpost, Lord have mercy on me and help me.]  We spent some time together a few nights ago, and I got a better view into the life he is living.  And, as he is someone I once called my best friend and whom I have fallen in and out of love with for the past 15 years or so, my soul was weeping for him.

Jeremiah 13:17

"But if you will not hear this, my soul shall weep in secret for your pride: weeping it shall weep, and my eyes shall run down the tears, because the flock of the Lord is carried away captive."

I questioned him gently, and he told me his lifestyle made him happy, that this was just how he rolled now.  He couldn't get through 2 minutes without referring to himself with derogatory terms like: freak, whore, etc.  He called himself a bad person.  Even when I reminded him he was a good person, he immediately dismissed my comments.  Even though I was smiling and flirting during our time together because I love him dearly, my soul was weeping.  My heart was breaking.  I was sad for him.  I wanted to say something a little more direct.  But I was afraid, and I kissed him in the doorway and walked away.

My fear of rejection gets in the way all too often. 

Holy Spirit, stir in my soul.

It would be easy to just walk away and not look back to this situation.  But, I'm having one of those moments that I'm feeling God tug on my soul.  It feels similar to when I was first in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ultimately led me to converting to Catholicism or when I was tugged by the Spirit to teach PSR this fall.  It's constantly on my heart, and I need to do something.  But what?

Do I continue to be his friend and preach by example?

Do I confront him?

Do I stay away and just pray for him?

Do I ask others to pray for him (already doing this, btw)?

Do I invite him to spend MORE time with me to do fun things outside of his norm, even if it is super difficult for me?

I need to pray.

A Case of the Mondays...

Today was a little strange for me.  After pumping myself up to start back at work last Monday, I found myself feeling a blah like I was on winter break from work once again when I had an unexpected four day weekend due to inclement weather.  I seem to have lost that "back to work" momentum.

First, I was about 10 minutes late to every school today.  This so very unlike me!  Then, at the high school I work at, a few colleagues were commenting about some strange noises coming from the outside windows.  I, of course, assumed it was falling ice from the building, but as a joke, I asked them if they had a ghost in the room.  To my utter surprise, I got this answer:  no, that would be the fourth floor.  What?!  Apparently, a student committed suicide on the fourth floor years ago, and there are stories and reports of unexplained things happening in places like the choir room.  Maybe I've just been watching Ghost Hunters too much lately, but it kinda creeped me out!

I was just kinda out of it today.  I had a lingering headache that 3 Aleve in the morning couldn't cure.  But then my evening got much better.  I was able to take a nap, which helped me feel a bit better.  Then, I got a text message from the boy I'm maybe dating?  We've been on one date and have been talking for a month.  Is that dating?  Anyway, anytime someone calls me gorgeous, I just have to smile.  Then I decided to take a drive...at 9:30 p.m.  If you know me, you know that I love to take a good drive.  I don't know if it is the vestibular input that is calming or the idea of being in control of the car, or just getting away from the house where I have an unending to-do list waiting for me, but I like driving a lot.  Well, I turned on XM 117, one of my favorite channels, and the Fully Alive radio show was on.  I love this show!  And they were talking candidly about sex.  I ended up driving around until 11 p.m. just to finish listening to the show!  I find the theology related to relationships, marriage, and sex so fascinating.  And, I've been wanting to get some books about it for a long time.  I gave myself permission tonight to order those books since I am unable to attend the lecture series on the Theology of the Body starting in February at my church.  My grad school classes interfere - boo!  So, here is what I ordered:

Who knew that a single, 30-something, Catholic woman thought about sex so much?  I cannot wait for these to arrive!  I will have my own personal study of TOB going on in the midst of my graduate classes.  Very exciting.

Thanks, God, for a great and holy way to end the evening.  Jesus, I trust in you!