Moats and Castle Walls

I'm going to share a little of my crazy with you.

Oh, you know we ALL have a little bit of crazy in each of us.  If you deny this fact then you are even crazier than I am.

I have TOO MANY CLOTHES.

Until now, I don't think I ever realized how many clothes I actually own.  For years, I would buy pretty clothes that went straight into storage.  I know, crazy, right?  (I warned you.)  You see, when my engagement was broken a little over nine and a half years ago, I was in a bad place.  Depressed, irrational, hurt, broken, sad...all of these things.  But most of all, I was fearful of being hurt that badly again.

I like fashion.  I like dressing up like a girly girl.  If you have known me in the past 10 years, you would probably not have guessed that in eleventy billion years.  Yet, in those years (yes, years) of darkness in my life, I was so afraid that I hid myself.  I wore the most dumpy, least attractive clothing possible.  I would not wear make up or even cut my hair for months.  Oh, but I still bought super cute clothes and lip gloss in a rainbow of colors.  They just went straight into boxes and storage.  I would look at them once in a while, but I didn't dare wear anything so flashy out and about.  It might attract someone whom I would fall in love with and allow them to break my heart once again.  I really think being okay with my weight gain and frumpy, drab attire was like a castle wall around my heart.  If anything, it was a purposeful barrier that I created to protect myself.

Only now, years later, have I finally opened up every single box of storage clothes and I am going through every piece of clothing I own.  Yes, I have cute skirts that I bought 7 years ago that still have the tags on them.  Some fit, some don't.  Some are still classic and in style, some really are not!  The point is that the barrier is down.  The castle wall has been breached.  My body is not perfect, but I am enjoying dressing cute, girly, sexy, and professional pretty frequently.  I am getting noticed.  I am getting compliments at work and beyond.  And what am I saying to this attention?  I'm trying my darnedest to take the compliments in stride and saying:  Thank you.

But I seriously need another closet or something.

And, if my personal appearance was my castle wall, my home is my castle moat.

I did mention crazy, right?  Right.

I moved to my first apartment (after my internship in Ohio...I don't count 2 months in an apartment a home) after the dark period in my life began.  I have never kept a neat home.  My home is my moat, an extra level of protection from getting hurt.  I know this sounds insane, but hang in there.

I purposely left my house a mess so that I felt I couldn't invite anyone over.  If no one came over, then I couldn't make memories with them in my private, sacred, homey space.  Extra things started to pile up, and lo and behold, at times my home looked like an episode of hoarders (I mean, think about the clothes alone!).  I hated it, but I would get overwhelmed and couldn't get past it.  Well, my moat is draining.  I think the fact that it totally annoys me and I spend my free time trying to get it all together and looking amazing again is a big step.  An even bigger step is allowing my current boyfriend to come over...in the midst of the organizing and change.  It completely worries me that he has seen my crazy.  He sits with me in the living room and looks directly at it (one should really shield their eyes from such things, like the Ark in Raiders).  Yet, he still calls me and comes over.  I really don't get it, but it makes me feel more normal than insane.  Yay for sanity.

Personally, I think these things are true for more people than I think.  However, I feel blessed to have the insight to recognize what the heck is going on in my heart and brain and move past it.  Praise God for having this insight and contemplative nature!  Whoever shares with me in my life at this point is in for a real treat.  I'm striving everyday to be a better person than the previous day - and it seems to be working.  It just gets more awesome from here...

Well, I'm back to going through piles and piles of clothes.

What does your crazy look like?

Five Things

Within the past year and a half, I began to rethink my "must haves" for a potential spouse.  You know what I'm talking about...the mega-list that a girl will make that includes all the qualities of her future spouse.  I'm talking lines and lines of qualities that no man could possibly live up to.  It's idealistic and unreasonable, but when you make it you don't realize how crazy it really is.

So, I slashed burned cursed revised my list.

I really spent a lot of time contemplating and creating this new list.  I tried to make it with attainable goals and only 5 points.  Very important points.  When I finished it, I realized why all my relationships did not work out.  NO ONE (even my ex-fiance) would have gotten a "check" for all five points.  And NO ONE has ever gotten a check for my number five.  Or really, if I am completely honest with myself, NO ONE has gotten a check for my number four as well. 

Yes, I still think number four and five are attainable.  In fact, they are probably two of the most important points.

So, without further ado, I present my "five things."

1.  He makes me happy to the point my friends comment on how happy I am.
2.  He is a Christian and we feel comfortable praying with/for each other.
3.  He is open to having children, if God so desires to bless us with such a gift.
4.  I feel comfortable being my authentic self with him (I trust him).  He likes me because (despite) of my quirks.
5.  The way he treats me reminds me of how my Dad treats my Mom and how my Grandad treated my Gramma.

What do you think of my list?  Do you have things that are "must haves" for a potential future spouse?

Got Mary?

Just kinda what my heart is thinking about today when doing my Bible in 90 Days reading (and catch up reading)...

At the cross her station keeping,
Stood the mournful Mother weeping,
Close to Jesus to the last.

Through her heart, His sorrow sharing,
All His bitter anguish bearing,
Now at length the sword had pass'd.

Oh, how sad and sore distress'd
Was that Mother highly blest
Of the sole-begotten One!

Christ above in torment hangs;
She beneath beholds the pangs
Of her dying glorious Son.

Is there one who would not weep,
Whelm'd in miseries so deep
Christ's dear Mother to behold?

Can the human heart refrain
From partaking in her pain,
In that Mother's pain untold?

Bruis'd, derided, curs'd, defil'd,
She beheld her tender child
All with bloody scourges rent.

For the sins of His own nation,
Saw Him hang in desolation,
Till His spirit forth He sent.

O thou Mother! fount of love!
Touch my spirit from above;
Make my heart with thine accord.

Make me feel as thou hast felt;
Make my soul to glow and melt
With the love of Christ our Lord.

Holy Mother! pierce me through;
In my heart each wound renew
Of my Saviour crucified.

Let me share with thee His pain,
Who for all my sins was slain,
Who for me in torments died.

Let me mingle tears with thee,
Mourning Him who mourn'd for me,
All the days that I may live.

By the cross with thee to stay,
There with thee to weep and pray,
Is all I ask of thee to give.

Virgin of all virgins best,
Listen to my fond request
Let me share thy grief divine.

Let me, to my latest breath,
In my body bear the death
Of that dying Son of thine.

Wounded with His every wound,
Steep my soul till it hath swoon'd
In His very blood away.

Be to me, O Virgin, nigh,
Lest in flames I burn and die,
In His awful Judgment day.

Christ, when Thou shalt call me hence,
Be Thy Mother my defense,
Be Thy cross my victory.

While my body here decays,
May my soul Thy goodness praise,
Safe in Paradise with Thee.

Amen.

Prayer to the Sorrowful Mother

St. Alphonsus de Liguori
O my afflicted Mother! Queen of martyrs and of sorrows, thou didst so bitterly weep over thy Son, who died for my salvation; but what will thy tears avail me if I am lost? By the merit, then, of thy sorrows, obtain me true contrition for my sins, and a real amendment of life, together with constant and tender compassion for the sufferings of Jesus and thy dolours. And if Jesus and thou, being so innocent, have suffered so much for love of me, obtain that at least I, who am deserving of hell, may suffer something for your love. "O Lady," will I say with St. Bonaventure, "if I have offended thee, in justice wound my heart; if I have served thee, I now ask wounds for my reward. It is shameful to me to see my Lord Jesus wounded, and thee wounded with Him, and myself without a wound." In fine, O my Mother, by the grief thou didst experience in seeing thy Son bow down His head and expire on the cross in the midst of so many torments, I beseech thee to obtain me a good death. Ah, cease not, O advocate of sinners, to assist my afflicted soul in the midst of the combats in which it will have to engage on its great passage from time to eternity. And as it is probable that I may then have lost my speech, and strength to invoke thy name and that of Jesus, who are all my hope, I do so now; I invoke thy Son and thee to succour me in that last moment; and I say, Jesus and Mary, to you I commend my soul. Amen

Litany of Our Lady of Seven Sorrows by Pope Pius VII V. Lord, have mercy on us. R. Christ, have mercy on us. V. Lord, have mercy on us. Christ, hear us. R. Christ, graciously hear us. God, the Father of heaven, have mercy on us. God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us. God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us. Holy Virgin of virgins, pray for us. Mother of the Crucified, [etc.] Sorrowful Mother Mournful Mother Sighing Mother Afflicted Mother Foresaken Mother Desolate Mother Mother most sad Mother set around with anguish Mother overwhelmed by grief Mother transfixed by a sword Mother crucified in thy heart Mother bereaved of thy Son Sighing Dove Mother of Dolors Fount of tears Sea of bitterness Field of tribulation Mass of suffering Mirror of patience Rock of constancy Remedy in perplexity Joy of the afflicted Ark of the desolate Refuge of the abandoned Shiled of the oppressed Conqueror of the incredulous Solace of the wretched Medicine of the sick Help of the faint Strength of the weak Protectress of those who fight Haven of the shipwrecked Calmer of tempests Companion of the sorrowful Retreat of those who groan Terror of the treacherous Standard-bearer of the Martyrs Treasure of the Faithful Light of Confessors Pearl of Virgins Comfort of Widows Joy of all Saints Queen of thy Servants Holy Mary, who alone art unexampled V. Pray for us, most Sorrowful Virgin, R. That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Let us pray. O God, in whose Passion, according to the prophecy of Simeon, a sword of grief pierced through the most sweet soul of Thy glorious Blessed Virgin Mother Mary: grant that we, who celebrate the memory of her Seven Sorrows, may obtain the happy effect of Thy Passion, Who lives and reigns world without end. Amen. The Seven Sorrows of Our Lady 1. The Prophecy of Simeon 2. The Flight into Egypt 3. The Loss of Jesus in the Temple 4. Mary meets Jesus Carrying the Cross 5. The Crucifixion 6. Mary Receives the Dead Body of Her Son 7. The Burial of Her Son and Closing of the Tomb.