Life

Oh, so much has happened in the last year.

I got engaged.

I had a major health crisis that scared the poop out of me.

I got married.

I bought a house with My Love.

I became a stepmom to a wonderful 6 year old boy.

And now, I'm living the life of a part-time mom, wife, homeowner, and music therapist.

WHEW.

Five Things

Within the past year and a half, I began to rethink my "must haves" for a potential spouse.  You know what I'm talking about...the mega-list that a girl will make that includes all the qualities of her future spouse.  I'm talking lines and lines of qualities that no man could possibly live up to.  It's idealistic and unreasonable, but when you make it you don't realize how crazy it really is.

So, I slashed burned cursed revised my list.

I really spent a lot of time contemplating and creating this new list.  I tried to make it with attainable goals and only 5 points.  Very important points.  When I finished it, I realized why all my relationships did not work out.  NO ONE (even my ex-fiance) would have gotten a "check" for all five points.  And NO ONE has ever gotten a check for my number five.  Or really, if I am completely honest with myself, NO ONE has gotten a check for my number four as well. 

Yes, I still think number four and five are attainable.  In fact, they are probably two of the most important points.

So, without further ado, I present my "five things."

1.  He makes me happy to the point my friends comment on how happy I am.
2.  He is a Christian and we feel comfortable praying with/for each other.
3.  He is open to having children, if God so desires to bless us with such a gift.
4.  I feel comfortable being my authentic self with him (I trust him).  He likes me because (despite) of my quirks.
5.  The way he treats me reminds me of how my Dad treats my Mom and how my Grandad treated my Gramma.

What do you think of my list?  Do you have things that are "must haves" for a potential future spouse?

Vocation

I have been very private about my vocational discernment the last several years.  Even my closest friends do not know the inner dialogue of my heart.  Only my Lord knows the give and take when it comes to this.  So believe me when this post is "kinda a big deal..."

Before I was Catholic, I thought vocation meant finding a career.  However, within the Church, vocation has an entirely different meaning.  When you are Catholic, discerning your vocation means you are considering God's will and intent for your life.  There are definite choices:

*Religious Life (Men's or Women's religious communities - sisters, brothers, nuns, monks...)
*Priesthood
*Married Life
*Singlehood

I remember the first time someone asked me the "vocation" question.  It was in 1998, not long after I went to my first Mass (see my conversion story tab).  I was at my boyfriend's mom's after funeral gathering at the family house (his mom died of cancer about 6 weeks after we started dating).  There was a priest in the basement.  I had never really spoken or interacted with a priest before.  He asked me my name and then immediately asked me, "Hey!  Have you ever thought about becoming a nun?"  That moment was awkward, at best.  It was more shocking, to be honest.  In all my life, no one had ever just so bluntly asked me such a question.  My answer?  "I'm not Catholic."  His response?  "Well, have you thought about becoming Catholic?"  My answer?  A shy smile and nervous laughter.  I would later learn that not only was this priest a close family friend of my boyfriend's family, but also the St. Louis Archdiocese Director of Vocations.  So, his questions made more sense in context, but that conversation stuck with me.  I mean, I *did* become Catholic two years after that conversation.  Was the other part to come true as well?

I never really questioned my vocation until my engagement was broken.  But then again, when I became Catholic, I was with my boyfriend of two years.  In the midst of heartache and pain, I wondered the big question of "why."  I would go back and forth for years, questioning where I belonged, and often longing to hide myself in the concealment of a religious cloister so I would no longer have to worry about someone breaking my fragile heart.  I would pray for God to give me the discipline necessary for such a life, but nothing really changed.  I also knew I was looking at a religious vocation as a way to run away from my hurt - not really the best idea.  Ever.

I tried for years to live in my own cloister, in a way.  My bestie commented that I would keep myself busy with extra duties so I didn't have "time" to date or find a husband.  This is very true.  I would make excuses why I wasn't compatible with certain men.  I wasn't feeling a spark with anyone, and so I continued to question my vocation.

In the past two years, I gave up on the possibility of a religious vocation.  I figured it would have happened by now if it was going to happen.  Of course, I thought the same thing about married life.  I'm currently 33 for goodness sake.  This was not my plan.  So, I started to consider the possibility that I would be one of those women who would be single for the rest of their life.  But surely this was not God's plan for me, I would pray!  The thought of singlehood for the rest of my life brings sadness to my heart.  And, I remembered a moment that I had shut out of my mind years ago...

Years ago, when I was still with my boyfriend mentioned above, I babysat for a good friend, Kathie, several times a week.  Most of the babysitting time was when her daughter was 4-8 months old.  Madeline was one of the sweetest, cutest babies I had ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I remember babysitting her one day, and I was laying on the couch and she was crawling on top of me.  She rested on my chest and fell asleep on me.  This angel, sleeping on my heart, brought me to tears.  In that moment, I knew I was meant to be a mother, a wife, a minister of the family.  Thinking about it now I still get choked up.

But I shut that image out.  The thought that it might not happen for me clawed at my heart.

But, a few months ago when I remembered that image while I was talking with a friend, I began to hope again.  I began to trust again.  And, I became more aware of every opportunity God placed in front of me.

I am hopeful again that my person will find me, or has already found/met me.  I honestly don't know at this moment in time.  What I do know is that I pray for my future spouse every single day.  I have for years.  I must admit that whoever that lucky future spouse is, he has years of prayer backing him up in our future endeavors.  I must trust in that!  It may not be easy, but it will be full of prayer, thanksgiving, and hope.

Jer 29:11

{Book Review} Rita's Story

It is a rare occasion for me to stay up through the wee hours of the morning reading a book.  These wonderful occasions have typically been reserved for captivating, cliffhanger reads including R. L. Stine, Harry Potter and Twilight.  Yet, this wonderful book sale find of 50 cents was read within 4 days time (with only 3 days of actual reading!).  I couldn't put it down.

I wasn't even going to purchase this book.  It doesn't look like anything special.  On the back cover I read one sentence about a healing, and I decided to take a chance.  I was mainly impressed because the book was signed and dated by the author...for 50 cents?  My nerderific bibliophile self was intrigued.

This memoir was engaging and so interesting!  I loved reading every moment of it.  I laughed.  I cried.  I prayed along.  I stopped to reflect on my own life.

I honestly believe that I was supposed to read this book.  I was surprised to read about her studying at Maryville College in St. Louis (where I received 2 of my own degrees) and her work with special education (which I also do).  God spoke to me in a way in this little unassuming book that changed my life.

Read this book.

I will let you borrow my copy.

I plan to share this with all of my friends.

B90: Tobit

Tobiah and Sarah kneeling in prayer on their wedding night while Raphael slays the demon.

God provides.

After I read all of my B90 day one reading in Genesis, I was greeted by an email from our B90 small group leader that we would be delaying the start for one week.  I was so excited!  Why?  Because I can spend this week reading my 7 deuterocanonical books!  Yeehaw!

So, last night I read Tobit.  All of Tobit.  It's not that long, and it's written as an engaging story in narrative form.  For all my non-Catholic-y readers, you can read the Book of Tobit here.  There is also an introduction at the link, which is the same introduction I'm reading in my Catholic Study Bible.  How convenient!  In the Catholic bible, Tobit is located after the Book of Nehemiah.

I love how the introduction to Tobit states the major themes that are taught in the text:  fidelity to the law, the intercessory function of angels, piety toward parents, the purity of marriage, reverence for the dead, and the value of almsgiving, prayer, and fasting.  It's easy to see all of this in Tobit.  I really liked how it wasn't in your face like, "OH, woe to you who did not fast and pray, death be to your kinsmen!"  It was embedded throughout the text in the virtues, values and principles of the characters.  The characters demonstrated these virtues through their words and actions, which is the best example there can be.

I won't tell you the entire story (don't want to spoil it for the newbies to Tobit!), but anytime there is an archangel in disguise to help humans and the slayage of a demon in order for a wedding to be consummated, I'm intrigued.   Of course, my favorite part is this prayer that Tobiah prays with Sarah on their wedding night...

"When the girl's parents left the bedroom and closed the door behind them, Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife, 'My love, get up.  Let us pray and beg our Lord to have mercy on us and to grand us deliverance.'  She got up, and they started to pray and beg that deliverance might be theirs.  He began with these words:

'Blessed are you, O God of our fathers; praised be your name forever and ever.
Let the heavens and all your creation praise you forever.
You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve to be his help and support; and from these two the human race descended.
You said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.'
Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose.
Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age.'"