Vocation

I have been very private about my vocational discernment the last several years.  Even my closest friends do not know the inner dialogue of my heart.  Only my Lord knows the give and take when it comes to this.  So believe me when this post is "kinda a big deal..."

Before I was Catholic, I thought vocation meant finding a career.  However, within the Church, vocation has an entirely different meaning.  When you are Catholic, discerning your vocation means you are considering God's will and intent for your life.  There are definite choices:

*Religious Life (Men's or Women's religious communities - sisters, brothers, nuns, monks...)
*Priesthood
*Married Life
*Singlehood

I remember the first time someone asked me the "vocation" question.  It was in 1998, not long after I went to my first Mass (see my conversion story tab).  I was at my boyfriend's mom's after funeral gathering at the family house (his mom died of cancer about 6 weeks after we started dating).  There was a priest in the basement.  I had never really spoken or interacted with a priest before.  He asked me my name and then immediately asked me, "Hey!  Have you ever thought about becoming a nun?"  That moment was awkward, at best.  It was more shocking, to be honest.  In all my life, no one had ever just so bluntly asked me such a question.  My answer?  "I'm not Catholic."  His response?  "Well, have you thought about becoming Catholic?"  My answer?  A shy smile and nervous laughter.  I would later learn that not only was this priest a close family friend of my boyfriend's family, but also the St. Louis Archdiocese Director of Vocations.  So, his questions made more sense in context, but that conversation stuck with me.  I mean, I *did* become Catholic two years after that conversation.  Was the other part to come true as well?

I never really questioned my vocation until my engagement was broken.  But then again, when I became Catholic, I was with my boyfriend of two years.  In the midst of heartache and pain, I wondered the big question of "why."  I would go back and forth for years, questioning where I belonged, and often longing to hide myself in the concealment of a religious cloister so I would no longer have to worry about someone breaking my fragile heart.  I would pray for God to give me the discipline necessary for such a life, but nothing really changed.  I also knew I was looking at a religious vocation as a way to run away from my hurt - not really the best idea.  Ever.

I tried for years to live in my own cloister, in a way.  My bestie commented that I would keep myself busy with extra duties so I didn't have "time" to date or find a husband.  This is very true.  I would make excuses why I wasn't compatible with certain men.  I wasn't feeling a spark with anyone, and so I continued to question my vocation.

In the past two years, I gave up on the possibility of a religious vocation.  I figured it would have happened by now if it was going to happen.  Of course, I thought the same thing about married life.  I'm currently 33 for goodness sake.  This was not my plan.  So, I started to consider the possibility that I would be one of those women who would be single for the rest of their life.  But surely this was not God's plan for me, I would pray!  The thought of singlehood for the rest of my life brings sadness to my heart.  And, I remembered a moment that I had shut out of my mind years ago...

Years ago, when I was still with my boyfriend mentioned above, I babysat for a good friend, Kathie, several times a week.  Most of the babysitting time was when her daughter was 4-8 months old.  Madeline was one of the sweetest, cutest babies I had ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I remember babysitting her one day, and I was laying on the couch and she was crawling on top of me.  She rested on my chest and fell asleep on me.  This angel, sleeping on my heart, brought me to tears.  In that moment, I knew I was meant to be a mother, a wife, a minister of the family.  Thinking about it now I still get choked up.

But I shut that image out.  The thought that it might not happen for me clawed at my heart.

But, a few months ago when I remembered that image while I was talking with a friend, I began to hope again.  I began to trust again.  And, I became more aware of every opportunity God placed in front of me.

I am hopeful again that my person will find me, or has already found/met me.  I honestly don't know at this moment in time.  What I do know is that I pray for my future spouse every single day.  I have for years.  I must admit that whoever that lucky future spouse is, he has years of prayer backing him up in our future endeavors.  I must trust in that!  It may not be easy, but it will be full of prayer, thanksgiving, and hope.

Jer 29:11

Summer Surprises

Source: itsirrational.com via Betsy on Pinterest

So, things have been happening this summer and I haven't been blogging.  This summer has continued to surprise me.  Over and over again.

I did not in a bazillion years think that I would have an amazing summer of romance.

I did not think I would be dating three men at once.

I did not think that dating the man I had been pining over for a decade would be such a disappointment.

And, I did not think that the one I was most reluctant to date would be the one I would leave the rest in the dust for.

I did not think someone would be calling me his girlfriend before the end of July.  Yet, that has happened, too.

I feel...
happy
thankful
cared for
nervous
excited
fearful
overwhelmed
joyful
romantic
beautiful
apprehensive
sexy
amazing
shining
.....and wrapped up in one big ball of emotion.

It's been 20 days since he first kissed me, and I am (as my knitting friends said at knit nite) beaming.  I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I am trying my darnedest to live in the moment and enjoy this unexpected blessing.

The quote in picture I posted sort of explains what happened.  He keeps asking me why I started flirting with him one evening during conversation after we had been hanging out for months just as friends. 

I have no answer.

It just happened. 

I opened my heart just a crack?  I took down just one more brick that I had used to build a wall years ago?  I trusted that God had me in that moment for a reason?

I joke that it was the heat of the outdoor patio at night, or the fireworks peeking through the trees or the three bottles of beer I consumed... 

But Baby, if you are reading this, it was not the heat or the fireworks or even the beer. 

It was just you.

<3  

Happiness

Jefferson Barracks Park

Today was one of those days that I felt truly alive!

These types of days have been surfacing less and less each year.  I want every day to be like today!

First, I needed to drop something off at a friend's house this morning, so I set my alarm for 3:30 a.m.  Shockingly, I hopped right out of bed and got the errand done.  I then drove to South St. Louis County to my favorite park, Jefferson Barracks Park, to walk the trail.  The weather was beautiful, and I even jogged some of the trail.  During my entire walking time, I prayed the Rosary with the Sorrowful Mysteries and then the Divine Mercy Chaplet.  I think this is such a better choice for me than simply listening to music while I walk.  I want to go back and do this again in the morning tomorrow, but I really need to find a good walking park closer to home.

On my walk I saw a bunch of deer (and no bobcats or bears, thank goodness!).

I was feeling good when my walk ended at 8am.  I didn't feel like driving home in morning rush hour, so I took back roads and took a nice drive.  Windows open, music blasting.  It was amazing!  I stopped to get some breakfast and then drove some more.  This time, I had my roof and all the windows open, my car stereo on max (it's a miracle I didn't blow a speaker), and I even took my shirt off (oh yes I did!).  Well, I was wearing a sports bra, but I had never done that before!  I thought, why the hell not?!  I wanted to get a little sun on my skin, and taking the shirt off would do it.

When I got home from driving for 3 hours, (!), I took a 3 hour nap before going into work.  A coworker commented that I looked like I was glowing.  Yes.  Yes, I was.

A glorious day in the midst of some crazy this week.  What an absolute blessing!  I hope tomorrow provides at least a moment that is like today.

Thank you, God, for today!

{Book Review} Rita's Story

It is a rare occasion for me to stay up through the wee hours of the morning reading a book.  These wonderful occasions have typically been reserved for captivating, cliffhanger reads including R. L. Stine, Harry Potter and Twilight.  Yet, this wonderful book sale find of 50 cents was read within 4 days time (with only 3 days of actual reading!).  I couldn't put it down.

I wasn't even going to purchase this book.  It doesn't look like anything special.  On the back cover I read one sentence about a healing, and I decided to take a chance.  I was mainly impressed because the book was signed and dated by the author...for 50 cents?  My nerderific bibliophile self was intrigued.

This memoir was engaging and so interesting!  I loved reading every moment of it.  I laughed.  I cried.  I prayed along.  I stopped to reflect on my own life.

I honestly believe that I was supposed to read this book.  I was surprised to read about her studying at Maryville College in St. Louis (where I received 2 of my own degrees) and her work with special education (which I also do).  God spoke to me in a way in this little unassuming book that changed my life.

Read this book.

I will let you borrow my copy.

I plan to share this with all of my friends.

{Book Review} Being George Washington

Although I purchased and started reading this book in late February, I did not finish it until last night.  I must say, I usually enjoy a good biography or works by Glenn Beck because they read authentically to me.

The first half of this book was amazing.  It was told in a journal style about George Washington and the revolutionary period of history.  For the most part, it was chronological, engaging, and wonderfully written.

The last part of the book was less enthralling to me.  A lot of the information seemed to be repetitive, it lost it's chronological appeal, and there was more commentary then actually storyline.  I forced myself to get through it.

Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to know a little more about this historical time period and the personality of George Washington.  But be diligent to get through the end!

10 Ways to Create Joy Everyday

Even when I am having a Debbie Downer kind of day, I try to create little moments of Joy for myself.  I am typically joyful when I bring joy to others.  Since I encounter many people everyday because I work in an amazing amount of school buildings each week, I have many opportunities to create moments of joy.  Here's how I roll.

1.  Smile.  It may seem sort of a simple way to start, but a genuine smile can make others smile which makes me smile more brightly.  Popping into a classroom with a smile on my face can help to change an atmosphere.  It might even make that stressed out secretary smile as well.

2.  Compliment.  I think I once read that it takes 17 positive statements in order for someone to get back to equal with their self-esteem after one negative comment.  I try to point out small things like clothes, hair, bulletin boards, etc.  But, also look for greater compliments, like how people are behaving or executing their joy duties.  Compliments usually lead to smiles (see number 1).

3.  Ask a question and redirect if necessary.  I like to ask, "How is your day going?"  This can be risky, because there is always the chance you will get the answer of "horrible!"  If the answer is positive, share that joy and validate the answer.  If the answer is negative, validate the feeling and redirect with something like, "Well, there's only 30 more minutes until dismissal, I'm sure you can make it!"  OR "I'm sure the day will get better; remember, at least one good thing happens even on a bad day."  Sure, some people will be annoyed, but most will latch on to your positivity!

4.  Do something silly.  Yes, I said silly!  This can break tension in a classroom and make people smile.  Yes, they may be smiling because they think you are insane, but still smiling (see number 1).  I usually sing silliness.  This is usually an impromptu greeting in the classroom or making up a random song about something happening in the moment (like singing, Hello Miss so-and-so, how are you doing today?).  Bonus:  Sometimes people sing back to you.  That makes my day!

5.  Leave notes.  Sometimes it's an email, text message, card, or note on a dry erase board.  But, I love to leave notes.  Even if it is a thanks for a great meeting or a gracious thank you for allowing me to use a space for therapy, notes can make someones day. 

6.  Say thank you.  Many times, people are taken for granted.  Even getting someone to unlock a room for me in a building for the bazillionth time deserves a heartfelt thank you.  It can go a long way.

7.  Listen.  Sometimes, people just need to vent or have someone listen to them.  Take a moment and listen.

8.  Keep your promises.  I have to admit, that this one is sometimes hard for me.  My "to-do" list gets so long that some of the lofty promises I make cannot be accomplished (I need to be more realistic instead of idealistic!).  When you are there for someone, trust increases along with joyful moments.

9.  Bring a treat.  Sharing a meal or snack (or chocolate!) is usually a joyful moment.  I wish I was in buildings more often so I could bring more snacks to my coworkers.

10.  Pray.  Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking.  I work in public schools where prayer is totally taboo.  Well, I tell people I will pray for them (usually after number 7).  And, I follow through.  Hopefully, this will result in joy!

How do you bring JOY to your day?

Give Me Liberty or Give Me...

Contraception?  Seriously?

I have been waiting to post about the HHS Mandate for a while.  I sort of wanted to sit back and see what happened.

Oh, and I see what is happening.

I don't know why we are all shocked.  It's just our mega-government once again dictating to us what we can and cannot do.  The government is trying to push the us to the limit of religious freedom to see how we respond.  If we are passive, the government will continue to push further next time - and so on.

As Cardinal Dolan has stated time and time again, this is not about contraception.  That talking point is a distraction to try and make the Catholic Church look "anti-woman" to the rest of the populous.  It's all about freedom of religion.  And, all of a sudden, I feel like I have something in common with the Patriots who fought for freedom against King George.

Even though my view of contraception is not in step with mainstream culture (geez, can you just have some self-control and close your legs once in a while?), when did it become a "right" for women to receive contraception?  Oh wait.  It's not.  You have a right to pursue happiness.  If happiness for you includes contraception (which I do not agree with) then, by all means, use your money that you earn to purchase such contraception or procure a job that provides it for you.  That is your CHOICE.  Don't take away a Church's or Company's choice by mandating them to go against their own beliefs or conscience.  

How do you feel about the attack on religious freedom in America?